THIS is how the world (it seems) views love…

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THIS is how I view LOVE

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What is the first big noticable difference?

The age of the couples…

The problem I think is that it seems most people worship the idea of hot steamy love centered around chemistry.  They crave passion, intensity, a feeling that will make their heads spin and explode with joy and pleasure.

These feelings are good!  They are superb even.  But… they should NOT be the “end goal.”

As a world, it seems though, we worship these types of feelings… but as “consumerism” creaps into all aspects of our lives, we don’t value earning things anymore.

Like shoppers we enter the relationship market looking for people who “sell” us intense experiences.  Honestly, this behavior is typical and even okay for teenager and people in their early twenties… but I also assume that teenagers and the youngest adults do NOT have the end goal of a happy marriage when they date (or hookup)…

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MIXING GOALS

But so often I hear, “I can’t find a good man (or woman) for a relationship.” My question is, “How are you making your relationship choices?”

What would happen to most people, if they only ate food that tastes the best to them?  (What are your favorite foods?)  For most of us, we understand that making food choices solely on what we like the most would be disasterous for our bodies…

But how often do we make relationship choices in such a manner?

We look for people, who evoke strong emotions in us.

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Now, let’s look at this photo as an obverver.

What do you think?

Is this woman a nice person?  Does she love her parents?  Is she motivated to improving herself in life? Does she have positive communication skills?

What do you think?

Is this man responsible?  Does he like children?  Is he a hard-worker?  Does he respect a woman’s opinion?  Will he support a woman in her career?

The only thing I can see concretely is that the man and the woman are both “turned on.”

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Intense Feelings Blind Us

Why oh why oh why… do we refuse to see?  Intense feelings blind us.  Everyone knows this… many of us know what is like to date (or marry) someone and a few months (or a year) later we think… “Who is this person?!?!”

Let’s be honest.  Do you really think that the person changed?  I would argue No.  Because it is very difficult for an adult to change (especially in the space of a few months…)

The more likely (and accurate) explanation is that we have been blinded to bad aspects of the other person’s character.

Think about the couple above.  If both of them liked each other, inside of their minds they focus on all of the things they liked about the other person…
– The way she looked in that dress.

  • – Her smile
  • – His lips
  • – His well fitting shirt
  • – Flirty eyes
  • – Her curves
  • – His confident voice

All intense feelings and great characteristics but probably very little that has real long term relationship significance.

Oh… but our brains are smart!

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We can’t have a gap in our picture of the other person… so “cleverly” our brain fills in the missing details.

We associate the person we have just met on our positive date and the positive characteristics  of our ideal man or woman.

And Voila!  Problem solved!

We have found the perfect person.

“He / She might be the ONE!!!” 

Then we suffer from “bias” error.  We have intense feelings for this person, so we FOCUS on anything that supports our view of this (attractive) individual and ignore other things that disagree with our view… until, of course, months later those problems become “too real” to be ignored…

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FOCUS ON THE END GOAL…
My End Goal is not this…

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But THIS

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Of course, I wouldn’t mind some of the former in my life.  Who would?
There are many men; there are many women who will give you the former.

But how many men and women will give you the latter?

The common misperception is that if we seek “chemistry” that we will (eventually) find a man or a women who will give us the latter.

It’s analogious to saying if I keep eating just what I really want eventually I will decide that I want a healthy food and will settle into a healthy diet…

But like with food, if we use our brains – first we can find a very healthy person to have a relationship and family with.

FIRST OFF, we decide which people are healthy

THEN we commit to spend time with only healthy people (eat healthy food)

Only after we spend time with healthy people we can learn to see and understand that  we indeed like healthy people…

and then fall in love with a healthy man or woman! (Just like eating healthy food.)

And then we like the results, how this person changes us. (and ironically what can often start off feeling like a normal friendship can EXPLODE into feeling like the “former” picture 😀 – and something that you can have again and again 😉 )

It’s a paradigm shift; a life-style change… especially for people from broken childhoods.

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PEOPLE DON’T REALLY WANT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Everyone wants to be rich… but not many are willing to work long hours, move to different cities, forget about quiet Sunday afternoons to do so.

Everyone wants to have a fit body… but not everyone is willing to control their diet and spend hours each week doing exercise.

The same for Healthy Relationships, everyone wants one but few are willing to do what is necessary to have one.

First of all, we need to become healthy people ourselves.  Healthy people don’t look consistently for other people to bring meaning into their lives.  Most of us need a man or a woman to feel “complete” in life, but this person only serves to make us be more of OURSELVES.  If you are broken before getting in a relationship, you will be broken afterwards.

Next we need to spend time with healthy people.

But truth be told, why is it that we don’t want to invest in getting to know good people?

  • We are impatient…
  • and ultimately we are afraid.

All so often, I’ve heard the same thing.  Dating should be passionate because marriage WON’T be.
Are You Serious?!?!

Do you think that if you had a man or a woman who would do almost anything to make you feel happy that there would NOT be passion?!?!

Essentially, these people have no faith in marriage.  They see it as something they “just accept.”  The passion is over… I have work… we go on a vacation or two a year… time to have kids…

I BELIEVE in Marriage.

I don’t believe in dating (as the way to enjoy a woman).

What I mean to say is that dating serves the purpose of getting to know the person, who I WANT (in the future) to be passionate about… and NOT to get as much Passion as I can before “reality” hits. (Scarcity idea… extract the passion before it’s gone!)

I want to sleep next to my “best friend.”  I want to say, “Damn! This girl is a wonderful person”…

and then “Oh my gosh! You mean I get to have sex with her too 😀 !!!!”

The “passion” is “the icing on the cake”.  It’s that extra sweetness that takes me from crazy about her to mindblowing happiness!

I want to walk around all day thinking, “I love my wife.”  I can’t wait to get home to be with my best friend.  (Even just to talk or cuddle on the couch).

All this is possible! But first off, people need to look for men, look for women who they admire as PEOPLENOT as potential lovers.

When you admire someone, who want to spend time with him or her to learn

  • What she thinks…
  • How he thinks…
  • Why does she believe what she does?

Know such people is an experience which grows you.

And the other person also grows; we all want to know what it feels like to be appreciated.  We all want someone to be interested in us

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Ironically, as time moves on, meeting a wide variety of people is becoming easier and easier… but inevitably  we often choose (over and over) the same (often bad) types! (“As a dog returns to his vomit…”)

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