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Image What is Love? What’s its purpose? (Love)Serves a function. It binds people together. It is (supposed to be) the basis for which human beings create a stable environment for the care of offspring. Although love has a biological function and therefore a strong biological imperative, it is so integral to our psyches that it feels like (and one may say it is) a need. (Personally for me it’s a mute point… Whether it’s essential or not… I see that it will only bring benefit and won’t result in worsening my life… therefore I believe it should be pursued – needed or not) But the role of love has evolved… in a societal context. Love and relationships in the past used to serve a secondary role of cementing community ties. In so many societies, the of unity and designation of a couple is steeped in ceremonial traditions. This anthropological evidence shows that relationships used to be deem extremely important not just for the couple, but for the greater community. (POST) MODERN SOCIETY In modern society, love and relationships have taken a greater self-actualizing. They are about the fulfilling of self much more than creating communial cohesion. But this is only a reflection of modern society…We, as individuals, are becoming more and more fragmented from each other… more digitized. We have greater access to an increasing number of people, but understanding of each other is primary in snippets. We have Facebook posts, and Skype chats. We have dinner parties and mutual hobbies. But though we “connect”, do we really? We all wear social faces and project images appropriate for the situation… but which image actually represents us? Image TRADITION SOCIETY Love and relationships, though exciting in of itself, has been encourage greatly in part to maintain societies. They were the hardened nucleus that society used to preserve itself, to evolve, and sometimes to absorb potential threats. All to often, we “throw the baby out with the bathwater”. We are quick to say that “the modern way” is best. Image LOVE CAN’T DEVELOP (Fast-food happiness) Faster, faster, faster the modern world is a blur. Our idea of love and relationships, have been changed as our livestyles have also changed. We create things faster and faster. Within a few years, complete homes which take months to build will be completed in 24 hours.I think that society has a certain wisdom that we as individuals lack. Love can develop, where once it was not. People are adaptable… so are our feelings. Most people, I believe, will adapt to a situation that they are put in. – When society told a person that if you pair (get married) with one person, you were stuck people adjusted to the situation. (Sometimes people’s feelings even “tricked” them into feeling that they were in love!)When a person feels like his choices are limited (and he is psychologically healthy) he will adapt to his situation and make the best of it. He will sometime even go far enough to find “bliss” is a less than ideal situation. – When society tells a person that you now have “infinite” choices and you can leave or stay in accordance to your (vacillating) feelings. The “choice” is now fully in our control, but it’s unbounded.

  • How many humans make choices that they are 100% certain are correct?

I believe that an unbounded environment is unhealthy for us psychologically (and not just me, by the way). Personally, I have created social interaction “rules” with the explicit purpose of “creating boundaries.” I am convinced that happiness requires a person to believe that he or she has made the best possible choice. AND… IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE MADE THE BEST POSSIBLE CHOICE, WHEN YOUR CHOICES ARE INFINITE! Image CONCLUSION We are creatures of instinct as much (or maybe even more so) that we are creatures of intellect. All too often, I believe, we underestimate how much our instincts control our behavior. (Illusion of “free will” argument) Yes, love is powerful. It is an extremely powerful emotion… but not wild stallion which path is unalterable and unrestrainablebut rather if you get read it’s flow, compensate for it’s capricious nature, you can influence it’s direction. Final note – Don’t think just because a person the ability to analyze how he feels that it makes him less capable to be open to his feelings… less capable of have a depth to his emotions.


Egoless Love – Please!


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Hi!  I want to present to you an idea which a believe is countercultural.

It NOT all about me!!

I was raised a Christian and currently I am starting to come back to my roots.

If you look at the first couple in the Bible, Adam and Eve, there is a precedent that I see.


The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. (Genesis 2:15)


The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. (Genesis 2:18)

From these two verses we see the idea that:

  1. People (man interpret as man or woman) have work.  Life goals, a purpose that we have been put on this Earth to accomplish.  And that “purpose” is not “self-actualization”; it is to tend to the environment (the Earth and those around us)
  2. It is better if we have help, or a “helper” to achieve this purpose.


So whether or not you believe the Bible to be the Word of God, or simply a book of ancient wisdom…

The purpose of having that “special SOMEONE in your life” is not simply to feel “whole” (in a self-actualized sense), but in order to help each other achieve our greater goal IN THE WORLD.


You might be saying to yourself, “what do you mean?” Why is this ‘countercultural’?”

Because… our world is increasingly becoming about each person pursuing his or her goals “independent” of all those around us.

(You can read some of my previous post concerning my ideas about the “evils” of  independence.  Such as Cult of —> ME <— among others)

Yes, most of us “help” the rest of the community / society as part of the workforce, but in an increasingly competitive way, as opposed to a cooperative way.  Everyone focuses more and more on her / his individual such and not elevating the his / her family and community.



We have been fooled; we had a “means” to an “end”…

“Success” is not a bad thing in of itself.

Striving, achieving, becoming stronger, becoming more capable… in of themselves are not bad.  If your efforts are so that you have more to give your family… more to give your community – These things are honorable, noble, GOOD!

But somehow we as a society forgot the WHY we needed to be successful and have surplanted the idea that…

“Success allow us to provide for, give to and enhance –> those around us and the greater humanity

with idea that

“Success allows us to provide for and give to and enhance –> ONESELF


So LOVE too has ultimately be defined as another way to “better oneself”.

Soulmate Love and Authentic, Egoless Relationship (A non-religious reference…)

This is a Biblical definition of what “love” should look like…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7)



I think that this idea of “independence” is cancerous for society or many it’s better to say the community…

“I” becomes the focus of the majority of my actions…

As a result individual people are feeling less and less connected to each other.

We are “gaining” the “benefit” of more and more autonomy, but maybe there can be “too much of a ‘good‘ thing”…

Can a plant that TOTALLY “independent” of the soil – grow?



We are loosing the very connections to the enviroment that allow us to achieve our fullest strength.

Cult of —> ME <—


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Nero fiddled while Rome burned

  • What is it to be a “good human“?
  • And… does being a “good human” relate to happiness?
  • Does the ability to empathize with another make one a good human?
  • Does the ability to be all that one can be, without “distraction” make one happy?

… Is there modernation or a “Golden Middle” in every situation, or is MORE always BETTER?

8 ways dating and relationships may look different by 2040

We live in a global society that “preaches” more and more that be “happy” with yourself first before you look for someone else to see the “specialness” of you.

On the surface that sounds like great advice, but maybe there is such a thing as “too much of a good thing?”  Or maybe ear-pleasing idea is actually “folk or pseudo-wisdom”…

(You Don’t Need to Love Yourself First, To Love Someone, Do You Really Need to Love Yourself First?)

But maybe we should ask another question – should anyone truly be COMPLETELY happy with oneself?

Think about it. What motivates us to improve?

It’s the feeling that we are lacking something, is it not?

There is a difference between

  • thinking that someone else will make you whole;
  • having a healthy understanding that you are the type of person, who you can be proud of; and
  • believing that basically “you can do no wrong” and doing whatever comes to mind as if you are omniscient and all your thoughts and impulses are completely righteous…


When did a relationship morph from the idea of two people working together to support and helping each other… to two people being the embodiment of each other’s ultimate fantasies?

And… we need to question if the “soulmate” concept is actually a healthy one.

(Desperately Seeking Soulmate? Please, Stop AlreadySoulmate Love and Authentic, Egoless Relationship)

Are you perfect? If you have already decided that you are you don’t need to read any further, all-knowing Mother or Father.

The rest of this blog is for us of mere mortal stock…

In the current day, we believe that we can have a person “made to our order” aka soulmate.  With our preponderance of choices surely there is someone out there, who will accept me, “warts and all” (and will never demand that I fix my bad habits either or my sometimes overcritical nature, etc…)


Now, image that in the not so distance future pharmaceutical companies create a drug (specific for you) called “Perfect Partner”.

This drug can give you the exact same feeling as you would have if you meet the person from your fantasies – and it would feel this way every time!  Image what kind of monetary profits this company would rake in!

OMG – No more “I’m tired” or “I have a headache”!  Just pop a pill and every time it’s Romantic City!

A Dream Come TRUE!!!


  • You can watch that ballgame every time, with no nagging!
  • Go out drinking with your friends, without having to listen to “you’re friends mean more than me” speech!
  • You can still let the hurtful words slip that offend those closest to you!
  • You can pursuit with so much less guilt in ignoring your children!


  • You won’t have deal with his ignoring your requests to put the toilet seat down!
  • You can pursue your hobbies, without his untimely interruptions when he’s in the mood!
  • You can continue to obsessively try to control every aspect of the lives of thoses closest to you!
  • You can continue to say just the right hurtful phrases that cut your children to the bone!

“Maybe (a relationships gives us something that) doesn’t come from a store. Maybe (a relationship) perhaps… means a little bit more!”

(Maybe there are some benefits of, Dare I Say “being dependent” on other people… What’s Wrong With Being Independent)

Is it possible that relationships actually serve more of a purpose of making us better human beings, through that complex and messy process of learning how to relate to someone who actually requires you to bend sometimes?

Is it possible that relationships are more than a hedonistic pursuit of establishing “the self”?


Otherwise, bring on technology! Replace a real person, with robots, drugs, and dwelling strictly within the confines of our fantasies. It’s all about “self-development” and (an effortless) self-actualization.


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So as we as a society stride confidently and boldly into a more Narcissism and Epicurean, strike a lively tune as a praise and tribute to SELF!  While threads that once formed the tapestry burn all around us… Creating something of such elaborness requires much too effort anyways…

When I grow up…


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“The world is your oyster!”  We tell our children that they can be anything they want to be, when they grow up.  We tell them over and over again that they are “special”… that they are “unique”… we want them to believe that they are valued – simply for being what they are!


Then those children grow up…. then we grow up.  We become our CV, our Facebook Profile, the guy or girl who does a certain function in the workplace.  As we grow older, we find out that no one gives a&^#^$%^!!! who you are as a person… They love you as the DBA, the trainer, the teacher… they love you as the skilled athlete… they love you for your bright eyes and happy smile… but who really cares about you the person?




Love Me For My Utility!  – What aspects of me benefit you, or are of interest to you… Take an intricate and vividly colorful tapestry and pixelate it or throw a colored filter over it – eliminating many of the colors and blending together the shades…




For everyone in the world there is (just) one person who “just gets” you… To everyone else your intrinsic value beyond your utility is negligible… the other 7 billion people in the world, but there is ONE person who see you as exquisite masterpiece…  Heck, isn’t that why we focus on the perfect selfies?  “Sex (sexy) sells!”



ADVERTISING – No One Is Perfect… But With The Right Representation People Can Think You Are!


Ironically, I spend my days looking into the eyes (dare I say souls) of some of the youngest members of our society…  I try to understand what makes little Valentina – Valentina or  Sergei – Sergei…

  • What gets her excited…
  • What bores him…
  • What encourages him…
  • What does she fear…

My mission after all is NOT to “Teach them English”…

NO… it’s to give them skills that will assist young Sergei and Valentina reach for the Stars!

Teaching is not about “me”… it’s about “THEM”.


BUT in the “ADULT WORLD”, if you are not “sexy” then #$%$@^% you!  I mean it OBVIOUS if you are not “sexy” in the first five minutes…

“You ain’t worth my time!”



So heck, if you want Attention, you must advertise!  Most people only have time for films and not books and even book readers will put a novel down if it isn’t interesting in the first five pages…





Me - Pensive     My Take 

I find people interesting.  Adults and not just children…

What hidden gems does Jack have to be discovered just below the surface…

What rarely devolved talent does Jill reserve for only the closest of her friends…



I don’t need such bombastic “advertisements” such as exposed flesh or a ripped muscular physique to get “excited” about the prospect of finding those pearls.

But… it seems that I am exceedingly rare… I believe that ALL of us have something intriguing.  ALL of us have something that will ENRICH my temporal existence on my planet…  I am not a SLAVE to Marketers… I will use try to “feel” out the nature of people around me and assume that there is SO MUCH of the world that I am MISSING…

In other words… I have the BIAS that other people HAVE something positive to offer me… whereas it seems that others have the opposite bias…

Soulmates Don’t Exist


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I don’t believe in a SOULMATE, just like I don’t believe in GOD. The problem with both concepts is that BOTH depend on

Just Believing

How can I believe in a God who can’t stand up to the (miniscule) onslaught of me. Most people’s God(s) are weak.

Just Believe!!!

We live on a planet, one of eight in our solar system. In order of size we are about in the middle. Although we are in the middle size wise we are quite smaller than the largest planet. Over 1000 Earths can fit inside of Jupiter. Now if you compare the size of the Earth to the Sun… over a million Earths could fit in the Sun. In fact the Sun contains 99.98% of ALL the mass in our Solar System!

(Now, I could continue with the fact that the Sun is one of hundred of billions of stars in our Milky Way galaxy, which is one of trillions of known galaxies in the universe…)


If God can make all of that… He can’t stand up to the logical scrutiny of a being that is infinitesimally smaller than an atom is to us!?!?

Just Believe!!!

Why should I believe is such a god?!?!

The God I believe in can create the Universe. Something that is infinitely BEYOND my comprehension. The byGod I believe in bridges the gap between what I can comprehend and what I can observe with is unexplainable, yet it or must have been.

(For example, “Where did all the matter from the “Big Bang” come from?” – Genius Atheist conclusively explain that! Then you can conclusively say that “God does not exist”…)

Religion – yes, this is up for debate. The character of God – yes, this is up for debate. But until we can answer the question of how “something came from ‘nothing’,” we cannot deny the existence of God. (And personally, I’ve seen and experience things beyond my ability to explain…)

Soulmate… this article is about a soulmate! Not God!!!

I know. I haven’t gone off track. The word “soulmate” is derived from the concept of a “soul”. A soul is a spiritual concept. Therefore it is related to things “spiritual”… it is related to God.

If you don’t believe in (a type of) God, then you can’t believe in a “soulmate”. How could “evolution” (random chance) create two people who “just happen” to be compatible in mind, body, and… ‘soul’…

Believe in a “soulmate” necessitates belief in a “Cosmic Order” or even a “Cosmic Orchestration” of creation of two people in the correct time period (similar age) and under the correct circumstances (being able to actually meet amongst the 7 billion people who occupy this Earth…)

Just Believe!!!


I can believe in God because I see EVIDENCE that indicates His existence…

Is their the similar “evidence” that indicates that “Soulmates” exist?

Just Believe!!!

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No! I can’t believe without EVIDENCE! When I look out into the world, I see this…

1. Many people BELIEVE in Soulmates

2. Many people end up with broken relationships

Assuming that there is quite a bit of overlap in these group… there seems to be a problem. If a “soulmate” is ONE person who you are “meant to be with…” because you are “halves of a greater whole”, then what is the problem.

People “fall in love” and I assume that when they do, most believe that they have met their “perfect” match… their “soulmate”. They should FEEL a “natural” compatibility, correct?

(You can claim that “it’s impossible to know the motivation of people to be in relationships… but this type of logic has a “slippery slope…” If I can’t understand other people’s motivation, then I can’t understand other people. If I can’t understand other people, then I can’t reasonably predict their behavior. If I can’t reasonably predict their behavior, I can’t trust other people. So unless a person is paranoid of most people around them, we make assumptions about others and their motivations… but go ahead, give a “convenient excuse” not to question the validity of your beliefs… Just Believe!!!)

Assuming that you agree with the train of my logic, then question is:

“Why do so many relationships between ‘soulmates’ end up with breakups?”

You can say…

– “Well, he / she changed.”

– “She/He turned out to be a different person then I thought.”

– “Well, I made a mistake. He/She is not my soulmate; someone else is.”

When a person makes a questionable or bad decision and then gives “justifications” for that bad decision then this is really just – denial. (Just Believe!!!)

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Now, I am NOT saying that “Soulmates” do not exist, contrary to the title of this writing. I believe that… in a sense… they do! But finding a “soulmate” requires communication BETWEEN Souls… Such type of communication, I believe requires openness, and openness requires trust, very deep trust.

Most of us have a limited ability to trust people who we just meet. Some of us have more of an ability (willingness) and some have less.

Deep trust requires time, observation, etc.

(I could segue into the “mistakes” that people make in forming relationships, but I won’t. I believe I have discussed this topic at least once before 😉

But briefly…one of the biggest ones is the “me” focus (”How do I feel?”) as opposed to observing how a person interacts with others, who are NOT ME! A person can easily “play a role” for one person, especially when he or she knows that they person is watching, but it much harder to “play a role for everyone…”. A “kind” person is genuinely kind to Everyone… not just people from whom he or she can receive something from…)

Anyways… I don’t really want to talk about what the relationship between “soulmates” looks like. I honestly think that most people don’t truly care to listen. Many people want it easy. They want Great Rewards in life, with minimal effort…

It is so much easier to…

Just Believe!!!

than to open your eyes and observe the world and see the evidence of the things all around you. Order and structure in the Universe tells me that God exists… not religious zealous who simply have “strong feelings” that counter almost all the evidence that I can discern…

Honestly, I Don’t Care, whether or not SOULMATES exist or not… what I DO care about is finding someone who I trust enough to Commit to Spend A Lifetime with…

And every major decision that I’ve made in my life has stood on the “strength” of my adherence to my commitment… not on my initial (strong) feelings. Not Just on Belief!!!

Sanctuary of Honesty


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What if we could create a Sanctuary?

What if we could create a haven, where people were free to explore ideas….

What if we could create a place where people could lower their psychic defences, put away their facades and just be honest?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

What if EMPATHY was the law of this place?  A place in which people would finally understand that all of us have the same basic needs…

Where instead of seeing others as a means for our own ends, that we saw others as another piece of the beautiful tapestry of humanity.


What if instead of coercion, beguilement, and manipulation, people met here for knowledge and understanding?

  • Can we not live on Earth without a Darwinistic struggle?
  • Can we not stand back to back instead of constantly having to watch our backs?

fighting_back_to_back___colored_by_zailidem-d5qigga           watch-your-back

I believe that EVERYONE wants this… but so many of us believe that “it’s just IMPOSSIBLE

THIS WOULD BE MY CHURCH!  This would be the place I would commit to serve…

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I have never counted it “strength” to ignore the truth.  We all need.  But what I see of this world the “Strongest People“…

the Most Esteemed People

are those who get the most and give the least

although many of those same people “promise the moon!”


Which is quite an enticing promise, but wholly undeliverable…

We are only human, and though we maybe be “strong” NONE of us is self-sufficient

(We can claim self-sufficiency by degrees, but how many of us grow our own food, make our own clothes from stratch, build our own homes, etc.

AND how many levels up from “basicneeds to we need to go to claim “self-sufficiency” (Write our own books?  Learn without institutions? Work without organizations? Clients?)

The term self-sufficiency or “independent” is relative and subjective, subjective to how blind we make ourselves to our dependent on others and how blind we make ourselves to thanklessly USING others

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Wouldn’t it be nice… to have a place where we could

  • commune in honesty!
  • commune in openness!
  • commune without pretense!

Unfortunately, the “Sanctuary of Honest” is something that doesn’t exist, but it should!

“Love and Other Disasters” – My Favorite Romantic Comedy


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I think what I like most about the film is that almost all the characters although accomplished in some way, they are each flawed. I also love how it sarcastically criticizes the common notions of “True Love.”
The main character is Jacks. She is bold and confident. She is always willing to help her friends, even somewhat “forcefully” if need be. But he Achilles heel is that she quickly decides “how things are” in new situations and refuses to consider other possibilities. (that she might be wrong in her first impressions…) She also avoids making difficult decisions in her relationship life.
Tallulah is one of the supporting characters. She is also bold. She is from a wealthy family. She is melodramatic and can be quite superficial. She says EXACTLY what she thinks.

I think that it’s the mixture of her boldness, yet naive view of the world that makes her a more endearing character.
Peter Simon is another of the supporting characters and is Jacks’s flatmate. He is loyal, intelligent and very creative. Unfortunately, when faced with potentially stressful situations he lets his imagination run wild almost always imagining a failure. He also is looking for the perfect man, unrealistically perfect. (Yes, he is homosexual).
Paolo, who is the main love interest, is “adorable”. He is talented (he excels in photography and is an excellent dancer). He is mild mannered and is type of guy everyone likes. If he has a weakness, it is that sometimes he doesn’t seem assertive enough.


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What I like about the film, is that the characters are real (more real than many characters in other RomComs).

Although, most are intelligent and attractive, they are flawed.
I also like how the “rules” of meeting your “true love” are broken, yet true love is found.
The greatest part for me, was when Jacks makes her conclusion about love.

Jacks:  ‘Stop living your life like your in some kind of movie. Stop trying to cast your love, instead of just meeting him.’
Peter: “When I’ll meet him, I’ll know.’
Jacks:  ‘I’m not so sure. Love isn’t always a lightning bolt, you know. Maybe sometimes it just a choice.”

…’I don’t know if (he) is the love of my life, but I decided to give him the chance to be.

‘Maybe true love is a decision, you know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody, without worrying if they will give anything back, or if they are going to hurt you, or if they really are The One.

‘Maybe love isn’t something that happens to you. Maybe it’s something you have to choose.’

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –


Although, this is one of my favorite films as well as my favorite romantic comedy. I can’t say that the film is without flaws. In a critique of the film’s structural elements. I think that certain characters, such as Tallulah need more character development. There are hints that she does well by her friends, but I would like to see more of this side of her.

I also feel that more should have been done with James. He is the main opposition character, but I feel that the film makes him a bit too much of a “bad guy” James is a good guy, who is dealing with a “girlfriend” who he can feel on some level doesn’t love him, yet he is in love with her.

(Peter tells Jacks, but this is where I believe it would have been better to follow the filming rule of “it’s better to show it, don’t tell it.”)
Jacks is really the “bad guy” between her relationship with James. She doesn’t want to “break his heart”, but in reality she is too scared to make a clean break from a “good man” or simply afraid of confrontation. (She has been trying to break up with him for six months…)
Of course, in the end, she hurts him much worse than if she hadn’t tried to “save his feelings.”
(James and Tallulah discuss how James is portrayed as the “villain” at the very end of the film)

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

In the end, I think I find the film very relatable. I have friends, who are unique, confident in themselves and who they are, intelligent, and talented. Each, of course, have their quirks, but I love them because I know that they are great human beings!
Additionally, I like the final ideas. That love requires the courage to make a choice and take a chance; it doesn’t “just happen” to you.

And as Jacks explains, the film’s view of why people don’t want to see the reality about love:

The truth is way too complicated, unsatisfying and hard to believe…

In general, I think too many people miss out on great experiences, because we are waiting for a “sign in the heavens,” instead of just trying and seeing what happens!
And people don’t want to face the fact that there are no “right” answers; all any of us can do is to try our best and hope for the best!



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LOVE!!! Oh My Goodness!!!

I’m in LOVE!!!

I’ve final found that PERFECT PERSON!!!  😀 😀 😀

The ONE who is MORE than I EVER DREAM!!!!



Isn’t THIS what we all are supposed to aspire to have!?  Isn’t THIS the embodiment of all our ‘TRUE LOVE’!?… Something that will open up whole new shades of color in a markedly drably colored ho hum existence…

Isn’t THIS what so many Songs Sing ABOUT!!!


OH The “Love” We All… secretly yearn for… But PERSONALLY my ❤ craves something besides… THIS!

My , I know is “unenlightened” seen through a “MODERN” view, must be truly ignorant of what true HAPPINESS is!!!  Oh the laminations those MODERN acolytes should be made for my‘s  myopic understanding of LOVE!!!…



I don’t want someone whom is …
more than I’ve ever DREAMED!!!

On the contrary, I want someone whom…
I want to do as much as I can to make THAT PERSON feel special, cared about… dare I say… loved.

From my point of view, I understand MODERN Love to be…
All About ME!!!”




Listlessly he looks out the window, there is hint of revulsion creeping threateningly from what was feels like a hollow in the pit of stomach…Then… he experiences a flash of a scene which was previously archived deep within his memory…

He sees a young man, eyes bright illuminated by of perception of limitless possibility. The world was his oyster, he could do anything he wanted, he could be ANYTHING! He was unstoppable… indestructible… a superman incarnate!

But the years… the years seeping in like a slowly poisoning kryptonite… slowly sapping the vigor of youth

Draining the burning energy the once brimmed from his eyes… replacing it was cold almost lifeless stones…
Is it truly gone?… has the fire that once fueled an optimism that vanquish the darkest clouds of swarming doubt. How could it be… snuffed out of existence.

Why? why? WHY?!?!

Has his strength, his hope been so ruthlessly stripped from him. Why has his traded the confidence of a hero for an expressionless mask?

When he thinks such thoughts, though revulsion starts seep from the beyond the barely perceptible towards his perception’s very center.
Turn Away Now! Run!!! DO – NOT – FEEL!!!

And the numbness that his life has become quickly offers a solace against the swirl torrents of despair….

Again he enters a translate state… a life of in which daily routine continues it drone as consistently season after season, supplanting what vivid saturated vision of life he once thought was an inevitable future.
Numbness is his armor, shielding him from the deepest depths of depression, while costing him mobility needed to walk the path of greatest joy…

Why I Hate Valentines Day



Reason 1:  I hate being “obligated” to give a gift to someone special.  I have a big heart and I love giving gifts and doing things that make others feel happy… Special gift giving days, for me, are only a way to show “everybody” else besides my someone special that I care.  It’s a “show.”  Genuine affection doesn’t come from external sources – the social pressure of a holiday, but from an internal desire to make someone else feel good.

Reason 2:  It reminds single people, especially those who really want to be in a relationship, that we are single (… and alone).  I feel that there is much social “criticizism” that says… basically if a person is “single” it is his fault or her fault.

He is single…

  • Self-centered
  • Too picky
  • Stuck in her ways

Of course a little bit of logic would show you that this perception is faulty.  Look around, there are many people in relationships who are “egotistical”, “perfectionistic” and “stubborn”

Then there are people, who are single (and not sworn to a vow of celibacy), who continously focus on the needs of others, are looking simply for someone who will appreciate him or her, and are dedicated to trying to be understanding and adjust to the needs of others…


My own personal story is this…

I work with children and often have put their needs (and sometimes even their wants) before my own.  When I have been in relationships, I have always tried to make my girlfriend feel special.  I have respected myself, by not simply capitulating to each and every request, but if I could do something to make her happy I did.  Additionally, I constantly am reevaluating my personal values… I have changed (and even reversed) my opinion of many things over the years.  (I would even go as far as saying my value system is composed of the what I have found to be the best and most true values of many social systems), and although chronologically, I am “middle-aged”, I feel and act and my activity level and my optimism is that of someone many years younger…

So Valentine’s Day is both a day of superfluous demonstration…

and a cruel reminder that life is not fair!


FINDING LOVE – Begin With The Goal In Mind

THIS is how the world (it seems) views love…

608x304_photo21297 Romantic-Date-Ideas-Nyc-2

THIS is how I view LOVE


What is the first big noticable difference?

The age of the couples…

The problem I think is that it seems most people worship the idea of hot steamy love centered around chemistry.  They crave passion, intensity, a feeling that will make their heads spin and explode with joy and pleasure.

These feelings are good!  They are superb even.  But… they should NOT be the “end goal.”

As a world, it seems though, we worship these types of feelings… but as “consumerism” creaps into all aspects of our lives, we don’t value earning things anymore.

Like shoppers we enter the relationship market looking for people who “sell” us intense experiences.  Honestly, this behavior is typical and even okay for teenager and people in their early twenties… but I also assume that teenagers and the youngest adults do NOT have the end goal of a happy marriage when they date (or hookup)…

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


But so often I hear, “I can’t find a good man (or woman) for a relationship.” My question is, “How are you making your relationship choices?”

What would happen to most people, if they only ate food that tastes the best to them?  (What are your favorite foods?)  For most of us, we understand that making food choices solely on what we like the most would be disasterous for our bodies…

But how often do we make relationship choices in such a manner?

We look for people, who evoke strong emotions in us.


Now, let’s look at this photo as an obverver.

What do you think?

Is this woman a nice person?  Does she love her parents?  Is she motivated to improving herself in life? Does she have positive communication skills?

What do you think?

Is this man responsible?  Does he like children?  Is he a hard-worker?  Does he respect a woman’s opinion?  Will he support a woman in her career?

The only thing I can see concretely is that the man and the woman are both “turned on.”

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Intense Feelings Blind Us

Why oh why oh why… do we refuse to see?  Intense feelings blind us.  Everyone knows this… many of us know what is like to date (or marry) someone and a few months (or a year) later we think… “Who is this person?!?!”

Let’s be honest.  Do you really think that the person changed?  I would argue No.  Because it is very difficult for an adult to change (especially in the space of a few months…)

The more likely (and accurate) explanation is that we have been blinded to bad aspects of the other person’s character.

Think about the couple above.  If both of them liked each other, inside of their minds they focus on all of the things they liked about the other person…
– The way she looked in that dress.

  • – Her smile
  • – His lips
  • – His well fitting shirt
  • – Flirty eyes
  • – Her curves
  • – His confident voice

All intense feelings and great characteristics but probably very little that has real long term relationship significance.

Oh… but our brains are smart!


We can’t have a gap in our picture of the other person… so “cleverly” our brain fills in the missing details.

We associate the person we have just met on our positive date and the positive characteristics  of our ideal man or woman.

And Voila!  Problem solved!

We have found the perfect person.

“He / She might be the ONE!!!” 

Then we suffer from “bias” error.  We have intense feelings for this person, so we FOCUS on anything that supports our view of this (attractive) individual and ignore other things that disagree with our view… until, of course, months later those problems become “too real” to be ignored…

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

My End Goal is not this…




Of course, I wouldn’t mind some of the former in my life.  Who would?
There are many men; there are many women who will give you the former.

But how many men and women will give you the latter?

The common misperception is that if we seek “chemistry” that we will (eventually) find a man or a women who will give us the latter.

It’s analogious to saying if I keep eating just what I really want eventually I will decide that I want a healthy food and will settle into a healthy diet…

But like with food, if we use our brains – first we can find a very healthy person to have a relationship and family with.

FIRST OFF, we decide which people are healthy

THEN we commit to spend time with only healthy people (eat healthy food)

Only after we spend time with healthy people we can learn to see and understand that  we indeed like healthy people…

and then fall in love with a healthy man or woman! (Just like eating healthy food.)

And then we like the results, how this person changes us. (and ironically what can often start off feeling like a normal friendship can EXPLODE into feeling like the “former” picture 😀 – and something that you can have again and again 😉 )

It’s a paradigm shift; a life-style change… especially for people from broken childhoods.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Everyone wants to be rich… but not many are willing to work long hours, move to different cities, forget about quiet Sunday afternoons to do so.

Everyone wants to have a fit body… but not everyone is willing to control their diet and spend hours each week doing exercise.

The same for Healthy Relationships, everyone wants one but few are willing to do what is necessary to have one.

First of all, we need to become healthy people ourselves.  Healthy people don’t look consistently for other people to bring meaning into their lives.  Most of us need a man or a woman to feel “complete” in life, but this person only serves to make us be more of OURSELVES.  If you are broken before getting in a relationship, you will be broken afterwards.

Next we need to spend time with healthy people.

But truth be told, why is it that we don’t want to invest in getting to know good people?

  • We are impatient…
  • and ultimately we are afraid.

All so often, I’ve heard the same thing.  Dating should be passionate because marriage WON’T be.
Are You Serious?!?!

Do you think that if you had a man or a woman who would do almost anything to make you feel happy that there would NOT be passion?!?!

Essentially, these people have no faith in marriage.  They see it as something they “just accept.”  The passion is over… I have work… we go on a vacation or two a year… time to have kids…

I BELIEVE in Marriage.

I don’t believe in dating (as the way to enjoy a woman).

What I mean to say is that dating serves the purpose of getting to know the person, who I WANT (in the future) to be passionate about… and NOT to get as much Passion as I can before “reality” hits. (Scarcity idea… extract the passion before it’s gone!)

I want to sleep next to my “best friend.”  I want to say, “Damn! This girl is a wonderful person”…

and then “Oh my gosh! You mean I get to have sex with her too 😀 !!!!”

The “passion” is “the icing on the cake”.  It’s that extra sweetness that takes me from crazy about her to mindblowing happiness!

I want to walk around all day thinking, “I love my wife.”  I can’t wait to get home to be with my best friend.  (Even just to talk or cuddle on the couch).

All this is possible! But first off, people need to look for men, look for women who they admire as PEOPLENOT as potential lovers.

When you admire someone, who want to spend time with him or her to learn

  • What she thinks…
  • How he thinks…
  • Why does she believe what she does?

Know such people is an experience which grows you.

And the other person also grows; we all want to know what it feels like to be appreciated.  We all want someone to be interested in us

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Ironically, as time moves on, meeting a wide variety of people is becoming easier and easier… but inevitably  we often choose (over and over) the same (often bad) types! (“As a dog returns to his vomit…”)